Handouts · Relationships
Assertive Communication
Assertive means honest and respectful — standing up for yourself while still respecting the other person. It's the middle path between bottling things up and blowing up.
Three Styles
- Passive: your needs lose. You go along, then resent it.
- Aggressive: their needs lose. You win the moment but damage trust.
- Assertive: both count. Clear, calm, respectful — the goal.
Use "I" Statements
"You" statements feel like blame and invite defensiveness. "I" statements share your experience:
"I feel ___ when ___ because ___. I'd like ___."
"I feel overwhelmed when the dishes pile up because I'm already stretched. I'd like us to split them."
Listen, Too
- Let them finish before you respond.
- Reflect back: "So you're saying…"
- You can understand someone without agreeing.
- Aim to solve the problem, not win the argument.
Stay Steady
- Calm voice, steady eye contact, relaxed posture.
- Slow down — a breath before you answer.
- Stick to one issue; don't pile on old ones.
- If it's heating up, pause: "Let's take a break and come back."
Handy Phrases
- "I see it differently. Here's how…"
- "I need some time to think about that."
- "That doesn't work for me."
- "I hear you, and I still feel…"
Script It Out
What I want to address:
My "I" statement:
What I'm asking for:
You can be assertive and kind at the same time. Being clear about your needs isn't rude — it actually prevents the resentment and blowups that damage relationships. Rehearse the hard conversations before you have them.